I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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