I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
