I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
