I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
