Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
