I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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