She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
