you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
