Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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