I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
