I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Please don't give away my fajitas
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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