CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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