Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Let's get the cat blown out
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
