The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize