This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
