turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
