Who did Billy Mays play for?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I fill condoms, not promises.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
