If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
