AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
