I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
even my farts smell like vagina
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize