thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
