Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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