i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
