WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
