my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize