Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
