Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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