two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
