Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
