Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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