he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
