He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
