I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
