I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
