drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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