She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
