I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
