My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
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