I wish I could teleport
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She even gives head with a lisp.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
