i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
