I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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