How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
