the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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