My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
