Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
