Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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