guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
