How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he shaved USA in his pubs
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
