After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
