I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
