in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
im holly from the hills drunk
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
