your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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