My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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