I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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