best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
